Back to Latest UpdatesCan You Explain That Again? — When self-protection becomes self limiting
From guest author: Damien Howard, PhD
Some young people with cochlear implants, as well as others with hearing loss, become very good at looking like they understand. They smile at the right moment. They nod when others speak. They say, “I got it” and “I’m fine.” But what looks like confidence is often something more complex: a survival strategy shaped by years of trying not to stand out.
Some young people with cochlear implants, as well as others with hearing loss, become very good at looking like they understand. They smile at the right moment. They nod when others speak. They say, “I got it” and “I’m fine.”
From the outside, this can look like confidence. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it is something else. A child with hearing loss often becomes highly sensitive to standing out; to being seen as the one who didn’t catch it, didn’t get the joke, didn’t follow the conversation.
Asking for help can feel like flagging the very difference they are working to disguise. Saying “I’m fine,” nodding, and moving on becomes a way of avoiding that moment.
The art of looking like you understand
The American Speech-Language-Hearing Association (ASHA) builds this pattern into classroom guidance for teachers of children with cochlear implants. Children are very good at pretending they understand what they have just heard. They will nod. They will say yes.
When teachers ask, “Do you understand?”, the answer is almost always the same. ASHA recommends asking open-ended questions instead, such as “What did I say?”, or “What should we do next?”, because these reveal what has actually been heard.
In the deaf and hard-of-hearing community, this habit has its own informal name: bluffing. Adults who grew up with hearing loss often describe years of nodding through conversations they only half-followed, filling in the gaps with speech-reading, context, and educated guessing.
A cochlear implant gives genuine access to spoken language. It does not give effortless hearing. In noisy classrooms, fast group conversations, or anywhere voices overlap, even a well-fitted implant user catches only fragments and fills in the rest.
“A child who is not asking questions is not necessarily a child who understands.”
Tom’s pattern
Tom is a young person with a cochlear implant. He is bright, observant, and motivated. He also has a long-established habit of saying “I’m fine” when he is not sure.
Tom was not missing the occasional word. He had stopped reaching for help when help was available. Teachers assumed he had understood.
His family was the most affected. They could see he was struggling but were repeatedly shut out by his “I’m fine.” Over time, they came to see him as stubborn, and relationships became strained.
How asking for help opens doors
The most useful skill for young people in Tom’s position is not “concentrate harder.” They are already concentrating very hard. The useful skill is having a small set of ready-made phrases for asking again:
Can you explain again?
No, I’m not sure.
Can you say that another way?
I missed that part.
Can you help me out?
These are simple sentences that do real work. They reopen a door that silence closes. They tell the other person: I’m still here, please stay with me a little longer.
The music Tom already loved
When Tom was listening to music he liked, he was more animated and engaged than at any other time. His preference for upbeat electronic pop and pop-rap reflected how he experienced sound through his cochlear implant.
The song was created using AI music generation, making it possible to tailor the style and message to him. The central hook was simple: “Can you explain again?”
The aim was not to correct, but to reframe asking for help as something active and useful.
For parents and supporters
The pattern Tom developed is common, and the response from adults is part of the picture.
- • Would you like me to explain it another way?
- • Can you tell me what you understood?
- • It’s okay to say you’re not sure.
The aim is not to interrogate. It is to make clarification feel ordinary rather than exposing.
The wider point
Learning to ask for help is also learning to stay connected with the people who can help. It affects how confidently a young person moves through school and how visible their needs are to others.
Silence often looks like coping. In practice, it is usually a long accommodation that costs more than asking ever would.
Adults can help by being non-judgmental when a child asks again, and by making clarification feel easy.
Continue Reading
This article has been truncated, and the full edition is available via LinkedIn.
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